Maintaining Friendships Post-Divorce With Your Married Girlfriends: Perspectives and tips to facilitate the bond of sisterhood despite your marital status.

When a woman gets married sometimes she can get so absorbed in her new married life that she forgets about her single friends. Her relationship with her friends will go through a transition until a new normal is established. 

In the case of divorce, this is also true, just in the reverse.

During this transition phase, there can be hurt and disappointment in the friendships. When there is no communication, stories are allowed to be built up in the minds, assumptions are made, unknown expectations are left unmet and friends are left feeling misunderstood, hurt and offended.

During this time, only open, honest, vulnerable communication can solve these misunderstandings, mend and strengthen these relationships.

Whether you're married or divorced, know that we need to nurture honest relationships that value connection before correction. More often than not, it means being a good listener. Our bond of sisterhood can then be strengthened as we lean on each other through challenges and losses despite not having the same experiences and sharing the same obstacles.

So how can we still support and help each other as sisters without being judgemental, while we are obviously living in different realities? 

Tips For My Sisters Dealing With Divorce Whose Friends Are Married  

1. Firstly, ask for Allah’s help and have faith because you are worthy and deserving of it. If you don’t believe it, it won’t manifest. Just remember what Allah says, “I am to my servant how he thinks of me.” So, trust and accept His Ultimate help.
2. Avoid negative assumptions based on your insecurities. Always assume the best about your married friend. 
3. Step back and reflect. Uncover some of those subconscious beliefs that have been ingrained in you for years (such as your beliefs about women who are married, single and divorced). This is so important because your thoughts dictate your actions.
4. Be real and vulnerable with your married sister. For example, if you stop getting invites to social gatherings, don’t immediately make assumptions, take it personally and be offended. Rather, approach her with an open and observant mind. 

If your married friend no longer wishes to be associated with you now that you’re divorced, let her go. She wasn’t the right friend for you to begin with. Trust that Allah will send you the right people. 

Expectations should be from HIM alone. Humans disappoint and hurt, Allah does not. 

Tips For My Married Sister Whose Friend is Facing Divorce

1. Please... do not ask questions simply to try to determine who’s at fault, who is to blame or why. Give your friend the space and time to share whatever is comfortable for her. Your main purpose as a friend is not to pass judgement and pry.  Give honest advice and counsel (if asked for OR if your connection and trust with each other was deep enough prior to divorce).
2. Welcome your divorced sister with kindness, respect, and fairness. Leave the protection part to Allah, The Protector.
3. Check into your own conditioned beliefs about marriage and divorce, failure or success.  I ask of you to abandon backbiting or discussing your assumptions when you’re not in the presence of your divorced friend. Don’t stop inviting your sister or exclude her because it makes you or the people around you feel uncomfortable.
4. If you can, be with your sister whenever she is managing everything alone. If she has children, support her with meals, pickup and possibly drop-offs and offer to help with the cleaning. If she has to move, help her pack. Use the opportunity to share quality friendship time with self care and nourishment.
5. Help empower her and support her in taking charge of the situation instead of choosing sides and bashing her ex. Give your empathy, compassion, and keep your boundaries. In the event, you were friends with both sides, realize that both sides could still be hurting and choose to be neutral. What’s most important is supporting your sister to go through this transition. It’s not necessary to bring one down to support the other.
6. The most important of all is to make dua for your sisters. Angels shall say Ameen for you as well.

Sisters, remember this, relationships are not about quantity, rather it is about the quality of connection, acceptance, vulnerability, and action that shows the sisterhood love. Recognize that your times of hardships is when you see who gets to stay in your life and who doesn’t need to. Accept and release those people in your life who no longer wish to be there without attaching the loss of friendships to your worth.

Tell me sisters…

What has been the hardest part about maintaining a friendship with your sister of a different marital status? 

Let me know in the comments below.