Self-doubt is a very common thing to experience when going through a divorce.
Whether the decision for divorce is mutual or one sided, ‘Am I doing the right thing?’ is the question that usually plagues the mind.
I know. I’ve been there.
This self-doubt can lead us down many dark alleys of thoughts.
One such alley is the thought, ‘If Allah really wanted me to have this divorce then he would make it easy for me to go through.’
It’s this type of thinking I want to really breakdown and examine.
So, the first thing I want us to look at is the idea that if Allah really wants something for you, then he will facilitate it and make it easy for you.
While there’s truth in that statement, at the same time, no one is guaranteed an easy life. Hardship and struggle is a part of being in Dunya. It is also what builds and grows us to reach our potential.
Conversely, if we believe that statement, then it can also...
As moms we can all relate to wanting what’s best for our children. We want them to go to the best schools, have the best opportunities in life and to be high achievers. But sometimes our wanting ‘the best’, results in us having behaviors that make us question if we are really helping our children or harming them.
I once received a question from a concerned mom who believed she might be too competitive when it comes to her kids. Her question goes:
“My kids had a STEM competition related to lego robotics and I was really into it. The kids felt prepared to present but I feel like I was being the competitive, crazy mom. During the demonstration, the coach even came up to me to tell me to back up. I was very nervous about the ratings. I was nervous about the results. I was hoping my kids would win rather than just letting them enjoy the moment.
My child said to me later, “Mama, I know you're proud and we had a very good day today. But would you...
It’s a very common feeling when going through a divorce to want to isolate yourself because you don’t feel safe going out and about in your social circles. That’s usually because of all the questions that you get asked about the divorce, such as, ‘Was it mutual?’ or ‘Whose fault was it?’
It may feel as if everyone is playing the blame and shame game and trying to point the finger. But even for those around us who are more well-intentioned, it can still feel upsetting when they say things like, ‘sorry for your loss’ or, ‘you poor thing’.
And, it’s understandable.
Everyone feels a sense of sadness when a marriage ends, even if it wasn't a healthy one to begin with (it’s even worse when the marriage was abusive but no one knew).
So, how do you respond?.
Let’s explore how to handle uncomfortable or hurtful comments and questions about your divorce....
Whenever I go for walks I find myself being so in tuned with the weather each season brings. Although I live in sunny Los Angeles, I grew up experiencing the 4 seasons. It often reminds me that in our own lives, we too go through seasons. We all have our own internal winter, spring, summer and fall.
Each season signifies something important that is going on in the environment around us and in us. They signify some kind of growth and change and each season is beautiful in its own right.
Each season has a purpose
In autumn, you can appreciate the foliage and watch the trees shed and bear themselves. Then, the cleansing power of winter comes and brings with it it’s harshness which eventually turns into Spring. And finally, Spring the time of rebirth and hope transforms into summertime, where everything is lush and green.
The seasonal cycle is very similar to what happens in our own lives. We all have a time, like in fall, where we too have to shed aspects of ourselves and...
You may have asked yourself this question, ‘How do I deal with the heaviness of divorce AND still patiently care for and raise my kids alone?’
Yes, dealing with divorce can, at times, feel like it is too much to bear, especially when it feels like you’re doing everything alone and holding all the pieces together for your children.
But what if you changed your perspective and looked at parenting post-divorce from another angle?
Let’s explore some ways we can change our thinking, shall we?
Your children don't belong to you
You don't own your children. There, I said it. Your children don't come from you but through you. They have been entrusted to you by their creator and ultimately, He is the one who provides the resources needed to nurture them.
Your only job is to do your best and make the intention to raise your children in a way that they can reach their full potential and be God-conscious, contributing members of society.
Miracle or luck: How living with faith gave me hope
Do you believe in miracles? Or do you think they are too good to be true? Perhaps you don’t feel worthy to be blessed with them or you might even think it is all luck?
A miracle according to the dictionary is defined as such:
If we slow down and pay attention, there are many miracles occurring in our lives DAILY we just need to pay attention. Now I want to share one of my miracles with you. But first, I want you to answer a question:
If you lost a diamond ring, do you believe you would find it again? And if you did, would you believe it was chance, luck, destiny or the power of God?
Turning to Allah in a state of panic
It was the beginning of Ramadan...
I got out one Sunday afternoon by the coast in Los Angeles and as I sat there waiting for a friend, I was really soaking in the warmth as I’d had about an hour of sunshine left. There was a little playground connecting to the Starbucks and it was nice to have the kids all around me just laughing and playing. It was really infectious how present they are in the moment. Their minds not racing off into the unknowns of the future paralyzing them to live their truth.
Being around the joy of little people is inspiring, it's motivating and it makes you feel like everything's alright.
But it doesn’t always feel like this. Sometimes it feels like we have so many problems; like there's so much heaviness. Living in the present moment and light-heartedness of life can feel difficult.
You, my friend, may be struggling with lack of motivation, not feeling good enough, not having the confidence to go out and do the things you want to do. If you’re regularly...
A piece of good advice can transform your life.
I was newly separated and devastated from my impending divorce. It was during this time, on a path to healing, I started to focus on my two most important relationships; with Alllah and Myself.
It was 4 years ago, I first heard this advice and it prompted me to redefine my measures of success. I recently came across it again and wanted to share this personal life advice from the Angel Jibreel directly to our beloved prophet, Muhammad pbuh.
1. Live as you will but know that one day you are going to die.
2. Love whom you will but know that one day you will be separated from that person.
3. Do as you will and know that one day you will be compensated and rewarded accordingly in the hereafter.
4. Know that the nobility of a person comes from standing up in prayer at night, invoking his Lord.
5. As for a person’s dignity and self-respect, it is in being independent of people, financially,...
It's the type of abuse that doesn't leave physical scars but emotional, lifelong ones. It obstructs the development of the self of the child, which affects how the child sees himself in all experiences through life.
I'm talking about Parental Alienation. It's the manipulation of a child’s mind and attachment bonds in a negative way and yes, it is very abusive.
Parental alienation is the process and result of psychological, manipulative control of a child for the purpose of restricting or restraining the child’s relationship with the other parent.
Common Behaviors of Alienating Parents:
I have been doing something new lately. More and more frequently. Something I didn't think I would ever do. And when I consciously thought about it today I decided to take a selfie, document, and share for our benefit. As a reminder to myself first.
There was a time I would never have taken, much less posted this picture of me with a naked face.
I have been going out without wearing makeup! It has become less and less imperative for me to cover up, hide or change what I have been naturally gifted by our Creator. Covering up the way I have been perfectly designed and crafted by God.
As far as I can remember I was very self-conscious about the way I looked, not necessarily body image but my face. I spent years buying concealers to cover up my dark circles and dark patches on my face. Praise God I didn’t obsess over the color of my skin, although I did wish I was lighter skin but did not obsess over it. Shadeism is for another blog post.