Are You In a Toxic Relationship? 10 Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Navigate It

We’ve all known that person at one point in our lives - they exude negativity and leave you feeling drained of your very lifesource! 

OK that might be too dramatic.

But as tempting as it can be to label such a person as being toxic, it’s not the person who is toxic. Rather, their behavior is toxic or your relationship with that person is toxic.

Often, such a person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their feelings, their needs and their subsequent actions (and the consequences).

They show up as a victim, bully, perfectionist or martyr and they act from these roles in order to get their needs met, in an extremely unhealthy way.

What Are Some Toxic Behaviours?

It’s common for people with toxic behavior to try to get their needs met by manipulating or controlling others. They can come across extremely needy (it is all about them all the time) or extremely critical and judgmental of themselves and others. They are often insecure, threatened by, jealous and envious of others, complaining of their bad fortune and others’ good fortune. 

People who usually have toxic behaviors often turn to substance abuse or self-harm in some other way. The way they deal with their pain is to self-sabotage through self destructive behaviors to numb it. They are usually unwilling (or unable) to seek help from loved ones, a therapist or a recovery program.

How Do You Know You’re In a Toxic Relationship?

While this list is not exhaustive, if you find yourself nodding to most of these points, your relationship might be toxic:

1. You’re emotionally affected by their drama
2. You dread (or fear) being around them
3. You’re exhausted or you feel angry and mentally drained while you’re with them or after your interaction
4. You feel bad (guilty) or ashamed about yourself
5. You’re stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or care for them (rescuer pattern). You keep going back for more (to help or save them) without boundaries  and then feeling resentful or bitter
6. The other person doesn’t respect the word “No” as a complete sentence
7. When you’re with them, you feel like you’re “walking on eggshells”
8. You ignore your own values
9. You emotionally “check out” and avoid
10. You feel like you’re being controlled, having no choice, trapped, defeated or stuck. 

Toxic Interactions 

What often feels ‘toxic’ to us has to do with our reaction to the ‘toxic interactions’.

This often happens (‘toxic’ feeling) when healthy boundaries are crossed and we let go of our values. Your reactions might include feeling betrayed, withdrawing, numbing yourself or being overly accommodating (people pleasing) or becoming passive/aggressive.

It’s important to note that BOTH people play a role in toxic interactions. Both are telling themselves their own stories while living in their own separate realities with judgment, fear or blame of the other person.

So with that in mind, it’s important to explore your own role in the interaction. For instance, how do you compromise your own values or boundaries? Do you lash out because you feel misunderstood or not listened to? Do you withdraw because this is how you react to criticism? Do you become passive/aggressive or give the silent treatment, etc?

Know yourself and your own patterns. You can’t change the other person. At the end of the day, it’s about having control over yourself, no one else. 

Suggestions for Navigating Toxic Interactions

• Speak your truth while understanding separate realities. Everyone has their own truth and perception. A person with toxic behavior may never understand you and vice versa, because they are not experiencing your feelings and you are not experiencing their feelings or reality. That is why we shouldn’t hold others responsible for how we feel. Our feelings are not coming from their words or actions but from our thinking around those words and actions.

• Reflect on the relationship. Consider how you’re caught in an unhealthy cycle of relating to the person. For instance, you might be making excuses for them or trying to fix them (rescue pattern). You might be feeling like they need you at all times and at a cost/expense to your well being and priorities.
• Set and maintain boundaries. This is an essential part of self care so you can protect yourself and take personal responsibility. Find ways to protect yourself from their unhealthy behaviors and don’t give in due to fear, obligation or guilt.
• Focus on taking care of yourself. Be kind, compassionate and forgiving to yourself. Spend time and money and invest in yourself rather than putting yourself last. If you teach people that you are not a priority for yourself, why should anyone else see you as a priority?

If you are not able to successfully set your boundaries in this relationship, get help for yourself and take a break from the relationship while you get the support you need to have healthier relationships. This is for relationships you can't cut off, such as blood ties that Allah has created for you. Consider this to be one of your biggest tests on how to maintain ties of kinship while having firm boundaries.

For all other relationships, there is no obligation on you to maintain those bonds at your expense due to the unhealthy dynamic you have. Keep your distance with compassion and move on with your life.

While ending the relationship may be painful and difficult, remember that you are creating space in your life for healthier, more fulfilling relationships that will benefit you in this life and the hereafter.

Are you struggling in a toxic relationship and can’t just kick the person out of your life? Comment below and let’s connect to see how you can best navigate this.