He Wasn’t Good For Me But I Still Miss Him

There are so many women suffering from the pain of the loss of their marriage even though they faced a lack of respect, mistreatment and abuse. They know the marriage was harmful for them and that they deserve better but they still feel horrible. 

I’ll be sharing a question from one such sister with the hope that you’ll benefit from the answer that I gave her. 

Question:

When you get out of an unhealthy, toxic, abusive marriage you know wasn’t good for you, why do you still feel so bad about it? Feeling sad, lonely, miss him, even want him back.

My Answer:

I know this is such a painful time for you. All of your hopes, dreams, and efforts about this marriage and this man have been destroyed. Grief is the same whether you’ve both amicably decided to end the marriage because you can not live together in kindness, respect and fairness OR because there was abuse.

The grief comes from the loss and even in unhealthy marriages, there’s the loss of your hopes and dreams, your happily ever after that you were fully vested in.

 It’s important to process this grief and not try to suppress or ignore it (because you tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel this way). Otherwise, you will only cause internal harm to yourself and make the pain worse.

Now, I’ll move on and highlight a few things for you...

Take 100% Personal Responsibility

There are many layers of abuse, neglect and mistreatment. The first thing you need to do is recognize that  someone has mistreated you and know that no matter what, you don’t deserve this. His actions are completely his responsibility and he will need to answer for them.

At the same time, you need to understand the part you played in the marriage and in allowing certain abusive treatment. Please understand,  this is not about blame or pointing the finger because that helps no one. This is about personal responsibility and taking ownership of your life as your own superhero. 

So this happened, you went through this horrible unfair experience AND you can also take a look at your actions, that includes what you did and didn’t do. When you do this, you allow yourself to look at the past so you can learn, grow and improve to not allow this to ever happen again. You can do this while still being open and trusting, soft and vulnerable to connect and love again - not hardened, harsh, doubtful defensive or suspicious. 

It’s not our job to fix anyone but it’s our job to fix ourselves and each of us is a work in progress.

Believe People When They Show You Who They Are

Believe people when they show you who they are. Do not make excuses for his (or anyone else’s) behavior or blame yourself. We often keep allowing the same treatment over and over again even though we see the signs and still don’t believe people’s actions rather we see what we want to see. 

And once we allow ourselves to see people for who they are, we can do a simple test. Look at the situation that you’re in, look at the actions of the other person and ask yourself:

If this was your sister or daughter, what advice would you give her? What would you encourage her to do?

You are deserving of good honorable treatment from your husband because Allah has already honored and dignified you. It’s important to value yourself and your relationship with yourself as that is one of your most important relationships - which comes second only to your relationship with Allah.

Finally...

Without having the healthy self care/love boundaries in place, you’ll continue to cause self sabotage and allow others to harm you. Putting these boundaries in place take time (since you can’t force other people around you to change) but if you do so with sincerity and faith in Allah, they will have a positive impact on your relationships.

There is always a solution for you and your problems. But you’re not going to find your answers searching outside of yourself. In order to see your answers, you have to go to The Source - your relationship with Allah and then your relationship with yourself. 

Once you secure yourself in a strong, unbreakable foundation,  it will have a massive impact on your life and all of your relationships in a beneficial manner.

Are you experiencing grief from the breakdown of your marriage?

Access my 7 Stages of Coping & Healing From the Breakup of Divorce.