How to Cope With Your Divorce and Move Forward

You’ve been married for what feels like a lifetime. You may have waited your whole life to finally meet your partner and you thought that it would last forever.

Yes, you may have had some problems, but you never imagined they were issues that couldn’t be solved. 

You had hope in the promises that were made - you would be loved forever. ‘Until death do us part.’

But that was not the reality and now suddenly you’re feeling betrayed and abandoned. 

And now you’re divorced. 

How do you come to terms with the trauma and is it even possible to truly move past this?

This is an all too common scenario and I receive many messages from sisters who are going through this. With this in mind, for this post, I’ll be sharing a question from one such sister with the hope that you’ll benefit from the answer that I gave her. 

Question:

I have been married for 14 yrs. I got married at the age of 30, I am now 44. I thought he was the love of my life. The divorce was sudden, yes we had marital problems but I never thought it would come to this. We never had kids, it wasn't an issue. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, I guess emotionally we never really connected. He promised to love me forever. The thing is I wonder what will happen to him because unlike me he doesn't come from a big family, his childhood was traumatic. I know it's done & I need to move on, he & the marriage were my whole life. Will I ever be able to move on?

Answer:

14 years is a long time that you’ve committed. A big chunk of your life has been dedicated to this man and this marriage. While I understand that for you the divorce was sudden, we don’t know what was his perception. He was probably thinking about it for a while because as you said, you had problems and the emotional connection was weak. The emotional connection is the glue that keeps a marriage strong and what keeps the emotional connection is your spiritual state. 

Without these two components, it’s an empty shell and very vulnerable to breakdown. If a marriage is barely functioning at the surface level, it becomes really hard to keep it going as there is no obligation such as blood ties. You have to be getting/giving something in the marriage to want to stay or you will stray. 

The other issue you mentioned was not being able to move on. But you can’t let go of him because your mind is consumed with thoughts about what will happen to him and how the divorce will affect him. 

It’s obvious that you cared and loved him deeply. But if thoughts of him still occupy your mind - how can you move forward? You may want to save him considering you have a big family and he doesn’t have the resources/support as you do. But he’s not your job to fix. You can’t neglect yourself because you are consumed with his well being. What you need right now is closure and to focus on how to go about starting that healing journey (it is a journey).

You’ll need to begin by taking responsibility so you can get to that state of acceptance and healing. And this is not about taking blame. No, it’s about recognizing and taking responsibility for your part in the breakdown of your marriage - what you said, did and didn’t do, your tone and body language in how you showed up in the relationship, etc. He will also need to take responsibility for his part. But you need to leave his part for him to own and take responsibility for.

You actually don’t need him on your journey to acceptance and healing. It’s enough to recognize your contribution, accept the Qadr of Allah and have hope in the plans that Allah has for you. Once you do this, you’ll see your divorce as something to help you grow and evolve. Trust me, you have no idea what great things Allah has in store for you and what amazing blessings can sprout out of your pain!

Finally, when you say “I know it's done & I need to move on, he & the marriage were my whole life. Will I ever be able to move on?” indicates to me that you know this intellectually but emotionally you are stuck because you are in the grieving process.

I’ll briefly go over this process and describe the 7 stages of coping and healing from the breakdown of your marriage (click here to get a more thorough explanation).

• It starts with your happily ever after not working out.
• Denial and Shock - You may experience the stage of Denial and Shock to block out the pain and not face the truth.
• Anger and Guilt - You become angry with your ex and even with yourself and may want to lash out. You may feel Guilty for filing or for not being able to keep the marriage together. 
• Bargaining - Bargaining with God is very common at this stage. You may also experience the urge to beg and plead with your ex and be willing to do whatever it takes (threat, manipulation) to get the marriage back together. At this stage, most people are not in the right state of mind to think clearly. 
• Relapse off and on - This stage is marked by yoyo-ing or going back and forth to the same dysfunctional dynamic while expecting something to change or get different results. 
• Sadness and Depression - When reality sinks in and you have to start facing it because you feel there’s no other option, then despair and hopelessness kick in.
• Acceptance: This stage comes when you surrender to your situation. This can be off and on. So in one moment, you can accept and in the next, you still can’t believe you’re here. But most often than not your living in more acceptance and peace.
• Newfound Hope:  This is where you see endless possibilities and you start dreaming and planning for your new path forward. You can see the light through hope.

This is the process of healing. You can’t run from it, you just have to face it head on.

And YES, you absolutely will be able to do it and come out on the other side with newfound hope!

If you’re reading this, you’re probably facing a divorce. 

You are not the first or last that will go through a divorce. There are billions of people on the earth and many have, are and will go through this.

But what if you didn’t have to suffer or struggle through this grieving process that takes years for most people. People I’ve come across have spent 1-3-10 years struggling to cope with their divorce. Some have never been able to let go of the past and “baggage” to truly enjoy their present moments and relationships. 

If you could fast track your healing process, not just with speed but efficiency, wouldn’t you want that for yourself?

If you’ve been praying for relief, this is it! Click here to learn more