Moving Beyond the Misery of Living in the Past

When you comb through your past to replay all the events that occurred and all your reactions to those events, you are living in that reality in your mind. 

It feels so real that we hold it as truth.

But living in the past often causes despair, hopelessness, and even suicidal thoughts because you can never go back and change the past. It becomes overwhelmingly frustrating to live in a reality that simply doesn’t exist anymore. 

So, how do you help yourself out of the despair and hopelessness from reliving the past? I will share how you can help yourself in these moments so you can pull yourself back to the present with peace and acceptance.

There’s Benefit In Looking Back

Before I go on, let me just say that I’m not suggesting to never look back or reflect on the past. We should. However, reflecting or looking back on our past is only beneficial if we are doing it from a few perspectives, such as:

- to learn lessons from your mistakes

- to reflect on some wrongdoing with the intention of turning back to Allah to seek forgiveness 

- to then forgive yourself so you can let go of the guilt, blame and judgment that leads to despair. 

If you can look back in a healthy way, meaning you’re not attaching an emotional story to past events and experiences, then you’re able to extract the lessons learned and move forward as an evolved person.

Getting Stuck in the Darkness

But what happens when you are looking back in an unhealthy way? When you reflect from the perspective of regret, blame, guilt, criticism and despair, you become harsh with yourself and it turns into a cycle of self hate. 

This does not and cannot lead to living a peaceful, content and confident life in a manner pleasing to Allah. It also makes us more susceptible to falling deeper into shaytan’s traps and whispers. Thoughts such as “I should have,” “I could have” and  “If only…” arise and these are Shaytan’s whispers leading you down a dark path because

a) You can’t change the past no matter what, and

b) you are resisting Allah’s qadr. 

Outcomes are Allah’s and only Allah’s domain and we don’t compete with Allah  because when we do it is a recipe for frustration and misery.

The Way to Move Forward

So how do you get out of this dark place? 

I won’t lie and say that it is easy. But one fundamental shift you need to have is this understanding:

What looks like your problems are not really your problems. The truth is that you are feeling your thinking 100% of the time and nothing else. And so, your problems are not those things that happened in your past - what you or your ex said or did. Your problem is in your thinking. What you are currently thinking about those things that happened. And so if the problem is your thinking then the solution is in understanding how your thinking works.

By recognizing and changing the stories you are currently telling yourself about your past experiences, you can change how you feel. As Muslims we can change our stories by remembering that there is a divine purpose for all our experiences and that Allah does not give us more than we can bear.

We may not always know and understand His reasons, but we have to trust in Allah’s qadr and believe that He is doing what is best for us. 

Once we do this, we can look back and take responsibility for our own actions and choices. Then we can make the necessary corrections to improve and move on in a manner that is pleasing to Him. 

Don’t focus on your past and beat yourself up. Be gentle with yourself and know that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time and that is good enough. Always look forward, by living in the present moment.

One key point I would like to make is this - if you are dealing with suicidal thoughts, do not remain in isolation. Reach out to a friend, loved one or a supportive community immediately.

When we understand the truth of how our thinking works, we can easily accept the qadr of Allah without having to understand Allah’s planning and wisdom. We can move forward in our decisions and actions with security, clarity and wisdom to do what is right rather than based on feelings.

Did you find this beneficial? Then join me in my free live masterclass, Jump Off the Roller Coaster of Emotions & Take Charge of Your Divorce, where I dive deeper into how to take charge of your divorce to create the reality you want through your thinking!