The Secret to Mastering Being Alone Without Feeling Lonely

There are so many transitions post-divorce. You may have a new living arrangement while the whole family structure is changing. 

Perhaps you don’t see your children as much due to custody arrangements or the number of social invitations are not what they used to be. You now may even be the head of the household.

Your life is being restructured.

You are learning how to be and live in this new dynamic, different than what you knew before. So, not only are you probably feeling physically alone but you're feeling it as well in your heart and mind.

This is a lot to process, which brings up a flood of intense feelings that makes you want to numb the pain and escape. 

One such common uncomfortable feelings I come across as a coach, is that of loneliness. 

But why do we feel lonely and how does one overcome loneliness?

Contrary to popular belief, overcoming loneliness and all the intense feelings that come with it, is not about finding someone to be with. In this article, we’ll go deep below the surface level of loneliness to uncover how to handle this strong emotion which usually hits you after divorce.

The Source of Loneliness

There are many different ways people cope with loneliness. The norm really is people either distract, numb, or want to escape the feelings that come up when you sit alone with yourself.

But while it is true that your circumstances are changing, that is not the cause of your loneliness.

Think about it - can you not feel lonely in a room full of people? Aren’t there married sisters who still suffer from loneliness despite being in a relationship? 

So why do we feel lonely?

The truth is that feelings come from thought in the moment. You are feeling your thinking {conscious or subconscious}, moment by moment and that is how you experience life.

When you're alone with yourself, you're left with your thoughts. Your thoughts can wander all over the place...what was, what could have been, what will happen. All the scenarios and stories that come from our thinking can feel really scary and it's uncomfortable. It can all feel so real and believable.

But remember one thing - they are just thoughts. Don’t believe everything you think. It’s not the truth. The truth lies only with Allah (especially those thoughts about how your future will look now that you’re divorced).

And therein lies the source of loneliness. Our thoughts.

So if you remember nothing else, the next time you suffer from loneliness, just remember that you’re Feeling your Thinking.

Are You Aware of Your Thinking? 

So now that we know where the feelings of loneliness come from (our thoughts), where do we go from here?

Let me first ask you this -  how aware are you of your thoughts?

What happens when stories begin to play out in your mind about what happened in your marriage or divorce? Maybe a lot of ‘unfair and unkind things’ happened which are painful to bear. Do you know what your thoughts are about those situations? Do you know your ingrained beliefs about marriage, divorce, your value, worth, identity, success and failure?

When you’re not aware of your thinking and you only know the horrible feelings, it becomes so uncomfortable that we would rather escape  or be distracted by media, entertainment, and socializing to the point to just keep busy and occupied. 

It’s a common coping mechanism to avoid feeling intense emotions and pain such as sadness, overwhelm, depression, doubt and fear. But this is not solving the problem at all because you can't run away or escape from yourself. 

The loneliness is coming from within you so the first step to addressing it is to be able to sit with yourself.

Questions to Ask Yourself and Raise Your Awareness

Can I be alone with myself? Why or why not?

What feelings come up when I’m alone?

Do I feel comfortable sitting with uncomfortable feelings?

What is going on in my mind? What are some of the thoughts I am having? (Because that is creating your reality and how you are experiencing life).

Can you notice the void and emptiness that wants to be filled? How are you filling it?

Do you keep the TV running in the background?

Do you stream on Youtube or social media to watch or listen to something?

My Story With Loneliness

I went through my own lonely period after my divorce.

I didn’t want to hear myself think, because it was tiring, exhausting and overwhelming. I would constantly listen to podcasts or lectures and I told myself that I’m doing this because they would be helpful in my healing.

They were, as they filled my mind with fresh perspective. But it was also an excuse. I couldn’t allow myself to hear my own insights so I chose to fill my mind with someone else’s words.

As you start to become aware of your answers to the questions above, it becomes clear that keeping yourself busy to avoid the uncomfortable feelings and escaping from the underlying issues is not helpful for your evolution. 

Don’t Avoid The Solution of Being Alone With Yourself

When we try to fill this void and loneliness with external sources, we don't make the best decisions. It may be a quick fix, temporarily in the moment, but it never really satiates the void. There is still that gaping hole.

Not to mention, suppressing and avoiding your emotions can cause lots of other problems in your physical health such as stomach aches and headaches. 

Making bad choices about who you choose to spend your time with or getting into another marriage to escape the loneliness is an act of desperation, and definitely not a sound solution. Getting into another relationship without processing and healing from the previous one will almost certainly produce the same results in that marriage if nothing within you has healed, changed, and evolved.

You will never feel connected in any relationship or cure your loneliness until you can be alone and connect to yourself. Until you can be OK with facing, accepting, and loving yourself as is. That begins your journey to not just survival, but to living a life of enlightened excellence.

Do you struggle with loneliness?

Are you able to sit alone with yourself and your thoughts? Let me know in the comments what are some of the things that come up for you.