Why ‘Stay For The Children’ Is a Terrible Advice and How It Promotes Toxic/Abusive Marriages in Some Cultures

How much oppression, abuse and toxic behavior ("hell") would you put up with in order to give your child the privilege of having both mommy & daddy together? 

This question brought up a lot of discussion in my private group. 

Many women shared their stories about what they went through and how they wondered after filing for divorce, ‘Why did I stay so long?’ Many could relate to the feeling of staying for the sake of the children and not wanting to destroy the children’s lives by leaving the marriage - regardless of how toxic it was.

But where does this pressure to stay in unhealthy marriages come from?



Blaming ‘The Culture’

Before I go any further, let me be clear about something:

If you are experiencing a destructive and toxic cyclical pattern dynamic in your marriage and you've tried everything and nothing has changed,  there is a way out of this that Allah has made for us through His mercy. It's not the issue of getting a divorce, the issue lies in HOW we divorce and whether or not it is in a manner that is pleasing to Allah. 

OK, now let’s move on.

Many Muslim sisters blame the cultures that promote man-made rules that allow men to get away with destructive behavior in marriages, while in the same breath demanding that women must ‘be patient’  and put up with said behavior ‘for the sake of the children’.

Cultural thinking involves a lot of male gender biases, including teaching women to be responsible for the happiness of others, specifically the males in their lives (by shrinking herself). In this thinking, the man is hailed as the provider and ‘king of the castle’  while forgetting to highlight that a king is in service to his people if he is to be seen as a true leader and not a leader who tries to control thinking or suppress and oppress anyone due to his own insecurities.

So yes, I’ll be the first to agree that negative or toxic patriarchy that leads to misogyny is alive and well in certain cultures. However, while it’s ok to identify that certain harmful practices and beliefs are indeed cultural, blaming the culture will not solve the problem. In fact, it perpetuates the cycle of victimhood rather than empowerment. 

Instead, we can take charge to consciously change our own narrative and destiny. We need to stop passing on generational beliefs, thinking and behavior patterns and get WOKE. 



The Consequences of ‘Staying for the Children’

The predominant belief is that by staying in a marriage despite the health of that marriage, that will lead to the kids not getting hurt, traumatized or causing them to suffer and be unsuccessful in life.

But is that really the case? No, and I could easily argue just the opposite.

Families are being destroyed every day by parents who are reliving the effects of their traumatic childhoods - still repeating the coping methods of control and manipulation (which is the only way they know how to live as adults) just to feel safe. 

These coping methods were developed in childhood to survive the ‘battle zones’ of the family home, where mother and father were emotionally, verbally and physically fighting. The childhood trauma that was experienced also leads to self-destructive behaviors such as addictions to numb the pain. 

Addictions such as food, sugar (emotional eating to numb the feelings of pain and discomfort), excessive socializing and mind numbing entertainment just to escape sitting alone with the intense discomfort. These addictions go on into adulthood unless the individual seeks healing for themselves.

Hurt people hurt people. It’s not always the other person doing the hurting. Each of us experienced micro traumas and we need to recognize our part in the dysfunctional, abusive cycle.



Changing the Narrative

My children are victim to these toxic generational behavior patterns, as am I. We each have generational hurts that we don’t have to keep passing on. 

We need to be conscious of this. Otherwise, we will not be able to help ourselves or even make the first dent in our mission of raising our children in a healthier way.

We can start by examining:

1) Our ingrained subconscious beliefs. Where is the source of these beliefs? Are they coming from family, culture, society or Quran and sunnah? Just who and what are we following?

2) How these beliefs run how we operate and the decisions we make.

3) How we can live with more clarity and consciousness in our lives, marriages, and divorces. This way we can feel happy and content with ourselves rather than live with regret and misery.

Our actions reflect our deepest beliefs. That's how we psychologically work. That is why it is so important to check in and know what our beliefs are and where they are coming from.

We need to develop ourselves as conscious free-thinking adults, using the intellect Allah gave us. We have to wake up and make a change within ourselves so we can offer that to our children and their future, in order to raise a generation of healthy men, women, children, and families. 

We can’t just blindly keep following what we’ve been taught when it’s hurting us, generation after generation and expect different results. 

That would indeed be insanity. 

 Are you staying in a toxic or abusive marriage for your children? Or know anyone who is? What do children need to be well and successful and how can you contribute to that? If you want to gain clarity around these questions please comment below to get in contact with me personally and let’s chat.

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