Why ‘Stay For The Children’ Is a Terrible Advice and How It Promotes Toxic/Abusive Marriages in Some Cultures

“How Much Hell Would You Endure to Keep the Family Together?”

“How much oppression, abuse, and toxic behavior (‘hell’) would you put up with to give your child the privilege of having both mommy and daddy together?”

This question sparked a deep and honest discussion in my private group.

Many women shared how they endured years of dysfunction “for the sake of the kids.” How they thought staying in a toxic marriage was the best way to protect their children. And how, after finally filing for divorce they looked back and asked themselves, “Why did I stay so long?”

It’s a heavy question.
One, too many carry in silence.

But beneath it lies an even deeper one:
Where does this pressure to stay in unhealthy marriages come from?

It’s Not Just “The Culture”

Let me say this with clarity and compassion:

If your marriage has become a cycle of emotional pain, destruction, and toxicity—and you’ve sincerely turned to Allah and tried everything Allah has guided you to heal it—you are not obligated to stay.

Divorce, when done consciously with Taqwa, is not a failure. It’s a mercy.
The real issue is not if you divorce—it’s how you make the decision, and who you become in the process.

Are you choosing from a place of hurt, resentment, and fear?
Or from surrender, clarity, and peaceful trust in Allah’s plan for you?

Now, it’s easy to blame “the culture.”
The culture that told us to be patient, no matter the cost.
To shrink ourselves to keep the peace.
To carry the emotional burden silently, just so the family looks intact from the outside.

And while yes, many of us were raised with deeply ingrained beliefs about gender roles, those beliefs were rarely based on a healthy, God-centered understanding.

We weren’t taught what true partnership looks like in marriage.
We weren’t shown how masculine and feminine qualities are meant to complement each other, not compete.

The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. Quran 9:71

We weren’t taught to operate as a team.

Instead, we inherited distorted versions of masculinity and femininity.

Men were modeled dominance and control, driven by ego or fear, rather than being taught to lead, protect, and provide as an act of worship and amanah.

Women were conditioned to stay silent and endure dysfunction, so long as the family looked fine on the outside.

But on the inside?
There was no peace.
No harmony.
No respect or connection.
Just two people surviving, trying to get their needs met in ways that left everyone depleted.

Here’s the truth:
Blaming the culture won’t save us.
Awareness is important, but healing takes more than awareness. It requires action.

If we continue to point outward, we remain stuck in cycles of victimhood.
And we pass those cycles down to the very children we’re trying to protect.

What Are You Really Protecting Your Children From?

Many women stay in painful marriages, believing divorce will harm their kids.

But is it really better for children to grow up watching their parents emotionally distant, resentful, disconnected, or worse?

Is it truly protection…
If what they’re learning is that love equals pain?
That women must accept injustice to maintain appearances?
That men are exempt from accountability?
That disconnection is normal?

I say this with love and experience:
It’s not divorce that harms children.
It’s the unhealed dysfunction within marriage and post-divorce that spills out onto the most vulnerable… the children.

And unhealed trauma doesn’t go away with time. It morphs.

It becomes anxiety. Depression. Addiction. Emotional reactivity. People-pleasing. Withdrawal.

It becomes an internal belief that says:
“I am not safe.”

Breaking the Cycle Starts Within

The only way to end these patterns is to stop unconsciously repeating what hurts us.

That begins by going inward and asking:
What is this test trying to show me?
What in me is being called to heal or grow?

The “hard choice” isn’t always about leaving the marriage.
Sometimes, the hardest thing is to pause.
To sit in the discomfort and be still.
To stop reacting from pain and start listening for divine guidance.

Your next step, whether it’s to stay, to leave, or to wait, has to come from clarity, presence, and deep trust in Allah.

Not from wounds.
Not from fear.
And certainly not from guilt.

From Survival to Self-Responsibility

If you see yourself in these words, know this:
You are not alone.

I’ve walked this path too.
My children and I are survivors of generational patterns.
But those patterns stop here because I choose to wake up and become conscious instead of autopilot.

And so can you.

It starts with asking yourself:

• What subconscious beliefs are shaping my life? Are they truly rooted in Qur’an and Sunnah—or fear, trauma, and cultural conditioning?
  
  
• What kind of home do I want my children to grow up in?
  
  
• What kind of legacy am I willing to create?
  
  

You Get to Choose a New Path

Your marriage does not define you.
Your divorce does not break you.
Your worth is not measured by how long you can hold everything together while falling apart inside.

What matters is your willingness to return to Allah…
To take ownership of your healing…
And to become the kind of woman who breaks cycles with clarity, Taqwa, and Tawakkul.

That’s what I help women do, whether they’re still unsure, already separated, or somewhere in between.

It’s not about making the “right” decision.

It’s about making a true one: authentic, conscious, and aligned with the path Allah is calling you to walk.

Are you staying in a toxic or emotionally unsafe marriage “for the kids”?
What do your children actually need to thrive?

If you’re done repeating old patterns and ready to break the cycle for good,
Let’s talk.

📩 Comment below or email me to connect.

You don’t have to carry this alone anymore