Updated April 2021
Just like graduation, moving house or marriage require logistics and specific steps to go through, so too does divorce. Divorce boils down to a series of steps needed to go from a being a couple to uncoupling.
To navigate the process and understand our response, you need to start by evaluating your thoughts and beliefs about divorce. Only then will you understand what’s triggering your behavior; because our actions reflect our deepest beliefs.
What does your divorce mean to you?
I asked this question to a group of women and some of the responses explain their negative associations with divorce. They associate divorce with:
If you believe that your divorce brings with it all these negative and heavy meanings, then that’s what’s causing all the anxiety you’re experiencing. That’s what’s making it difficult to go through the process of divorce and make decisions..
But it doesn’t have to be that way. You have a choice about the meaning you give to your divorce.
Sources of Anxiety
Are you worrying about finances?
Ask yourself, where does your sustenance, maintenance come from? It’s all RIZQ from Allah. Are we latching onto the source of that RIZQ or do we go through multiple scenarios in our mind where we end up in a state of lack and not having enough?
Are you afraid of being a single mother?
Let me encourage you by asking you this:
Who is the OWNER of these kids? Who do they belong to? And what Is required of you as a parent who has been entrusted to a soul that is a servant of Allah?
We don’t own our children, so think about your part as a parent either single, co parenting, or even in a marriage? They come equipped on the fitra for that. We are not here to mold, manipulate or control them into behaving and performing according to our ideal. We are here to nurture the fitra and connection between the child and His Maker, Allah. We instill an unbreakable bond and love for their creator so they naturally gravitate to living a life pleasing to Allah through our own relationship with our child.
Remember who is in charge of OUTCOMES. When we start operating to control or manipulate outcomes, it’s similar to COMPETING with Allah’s domain. It is a recipe for misery and destruction. Focus on staying in your lane of intention and effort/action and accepting what Allah has planned for you.
I’ve just addressed anxiety and fears around financial insecurity and single parenting. But for every source of anxiety, you can find peace by turning back to Allah, looking at your beliefs and strengthening your relationship with Him.
Address the Anxiety to See the Steps
Once you begin to understand what your beliefs are about divorce and you learn to pay attention to your thinking pattern, you will be able to access the confidence within you to make decisions with clarity, wisdom, integrity, honesty, fairness, and respect like Allah asks us to do.
You can't do this with a mind full of a haze and fog. You need clear judgement, good thinking and decision making from your clear and quiet mind.
When you’re able to think calmly and with level headedness, your brain and mind will work properly to figure out all the logistics.
Your goal is to understand and become aware of your thoughts and beliefs around this word divorce. It is going to dictate how you experience it and how you behave in this process.
What are you currently struggling, sister?
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Seeking for that supportive community while you are navigating your divorce? Join my group To Divorce or Not To in Facebook where I frequently answer your questions, anonymous or directly.