Are you consumed with guilt after your divorce? Here’s how to move forward with clarity

How will this divorce affect my kids?

Allah will be upset with me because divorce is one of the most hated thing!

Did I really try my best? What else could I have done?

Was I “patient” enough?

These are common thoughts going through a woman’s mind during divorce. As a God conscious woman, you can often be overcome by guilt and self-doubt, especially when you’re exposed to criticism from others.

The turbulence in your soul comes from a lack of alignment of your thoughts and feelings versus your decisions and choices.

So let's get into some of those thoughts that may be creating your reality.

What I discovered from my survey

I did a survey to find out how some divorced women in my tribe thought about their divorce and their situation after divorce. Here are some of the answers I got:

• Marriage = success, “you’ve arrived”, checked off a box.
• Divorce = failure, simple as that
• No one will want to marry you because you are divorced. (This is the main reason women struggle to remain in a relationship no matter how bad it is).
• It’s the fault of a woman that she didn’t try hard enough to keep the marriage going. She has no sabar.
• You're a bad example to others and must-have faults
• There's no hope for you to be married again. You're tainted.
• Something must be wrong with you.
• Your kids are doomed
• No one will invite you to parties or gatherings and people will act like you have some kind of bad juju.

Over and over I got women telling me how they see themselves as failures because of their divorce. These women felt like there was a spotlight shining on them with their community, sometimes openly, putting the blame on them (even if abuse and adultery was part of the reason for their reason for ending the marriage).

What are your thoughts?

Now those are some beliefs from people who participated in the survey, but have you ever paused and reflected about yours?

What are your ingrained beliefs about divorce and marriage? What are your beliefs about your value and worth as an individual, as a woman? What are your beliefs regarding marital status?

And even more importantly, where are they coming from? What’s the source? Is it culture, society, Quran, Sunnah? What and who are you following?

It’s time to examine them because until now they were just inherent, ingrained, matter of fact, part of your understanding from upbringing passed down from generation to generation.

I’m going to keep the questions coming for you to ponder over them. Think about who gets to decide what reason is good enough for a divorce and who gives that person the authority?

What value do you hold for people’s opinions and comments? Do you take it on as facts or your truth?

What value do you hold for Allah’s opinion of you versus other people’s opinions?

The answers to these questions are for you to decipher. Be honest and truthful with yourself. Deep down you know them.

You’ll find once you come face to face with your answers, your perspectives about marriage and divorce may be very different than what they currently are.

Allah provided a way out for a reason

Your own thinking about this is where your feelings of guilt are coming from. Having self awareness and a higher level of consciousness allows you to navigate “guilt” associated with divorce.

This will give you clarity, courage and conviction to make the right decision for you and your family while being conscious of pleasing Allah (Taqwa).

Allah tells us first and foremost that the purpose of creation is only to Worship and know Him. While, this can be fulfilled through marriage, Allah does not require the only route to be through marriage, at all costs.

Allah tells us in the chapter on Divorce:

O Prophet, when you [Muslims] divorce women.. (Quran 65:1)

Notice He didn’t say IF, but WHEN.

Also, in other verses, Allah says:

And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out.(Quran 65:2)
And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent (Quran 65:3)

So yes, it is one of the most hated act because it disrupts the foundation of the family and that affects communities and society.

However, it’s there as a way out if there is discord, distress, harm or things are just not working out no matter how hard you try.

I encourage you with care and concern to answer the questions in this article. Answer them for yourself and pay attention to what comes up immediately for you.

Please reach out and share your answers with me, especially if you’d like support in exploring your beliefs around divorce and overcoming your feelings of guilt.