There is so much angst and overwhelm around finding a partner, and especially so for the divorced Muslimah.
You know what doesn’t help? The rhetoric about 'No good Muslim guys out there'.
It makes the pursuit of marriage after divorce seem really daunting because it creates a narrative of being doomed to be alone leading to despair and depression or being stuck in an unhappy marriage again, also leading to despair and depression.
This mindset can make a woman who wants to remarry feel stuck in the cycle of hopelessness.
So how can you successfully navigate this space?
Understanding Your Why
What you are thinking and the way you think is what creates your reality and determines your actions which will attract the person you believe you are worthy of.
I know that was a mouthful. Read it again if you need to, because this is very important to understand.
It’s important to focus on your thinking about remarrying. So think about these questions and do some quiet introspection:
Why do I want to get married?
Who do I need to become to attract the type of person I want? Who does he want?
Am I looking to my partner for things that are meant for me to fulfill internally, such as my happiness?
What does it take to find someone who accepts you as you are?
Now that you understand your why, we can look at some thinking patterns you need to overcome to successfully navigate the remarrying after divorce process.
Abundance versus Scarcity
What are your thoughts around the possibilities of finding the right one? Are they stemming from your limited human capacity to think of divine possibilities?
All Allah has to say is “BE” and it is. Furthermore, Allah says in a hadith qudsi “I am to My servant as he thinks of Me”
So where do your pessimistic thoughts come from? Can Allah not make it happen?
When it comes to finding a good Muslim man, there is enough out there. In fact, there’s an abundance. Because at the end of the day, you only need ONE.
Here’s a secret: It’s not by searching and attracting ourselves to the same type of (bad) person. It’s by changing what is within ourselves first. This opens the door to Allah’s promise that He will change your situation once you make changes within yourself.
Self Fulfilling Prophecy.
We don’t want to get stuck in this vicious cycle that comes from our fearful thinking based on past experiences. Let’s open up to paint our lives with all new people and experiences.
If you’re saying there are no good men out there, you are not gonna find one. When that good man presents himself you will question everything about him and you will find a way to validate your negative perception. He won’t stand a chance!
Your suspicions based on previous experiences will be the lens you are looking through at this man and your interactions with him.
However, when you operate from the belief that you CAN and WILL (inshaAllah) find and have that great relationship that you deserve, everything changes. You’ll meet potential spouses with openness, curiosity and joy.
When you live in the belief that Allah is your Protector, you’ll internalize the reality that no one can hurt you without His permission or yours.
Begin the journey of self discovery, self awareness and being in a relationship with Allah and yourself first. Love and accept yourself, then walk in that energy so you attract what you deserve while spreading that positivity out into the world.
Get to Know Yourself
Learn how to set boundaries, trust your intuition, and recognize the type of men that are not for you, and learn to walk away from them.
Don’t let your feelings override your intuition.
Feelings are just an indicator of the quality of your thoughts . They are different from intuition. Intuition is to know with clarity. There is no cloud covering your judgment with racing thoughts, overthinking, and confusion.
Once you reclaim your power then people can’t waste your time or take advantage of you. But when we keep looking to them to take charge of our experience, and for them to start behaving in an acceptable manner, you’ll wait forever in despair.
Know your value and worth. Treat yourself with respect, and dignity so others know to treat you the same. Build a relationship with yourself through your connection with your Creator. Prioritize your self care in all aspects - emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually.
One Final Question
Are you happy and living your life with purpose independant of a man?
When you are, a man who is entering your life will only enhance that. Your needs are not dependent on him as Allah is your source. The man is a means just like other means.
When you’re not, a man entering your life will not change that. You will continue to feel that void and that loneliness. You will continue to feel that something is missing.
So you wanted to know how to navigate the process of remarrying after divorce? It all comes back to you. Not the ‘men out there’ and not the family or friends who want to pressure you to do what they want. Just you and your relationship with yourself and Allah.
Can you be alone with yourself without feeling lonely?
Are you making clear, confident, empowered decisions and taking charge of your divorce?
Do you wonder how to effectively parent your child moving forward?